to speak or not to speak...
last December 2005, i finished reading "Possession" by A.S. Byatt. it amazed me how familiar the last couple of pages seemed to me, esp. with regard to Roland's feelings: of being peripheral, a watcher.
i have felt that way on some occasions with friends who seem to have more connection or in common with each other than with myself. and at times, i have neither the will not the enthusiasm to engage in the conversations wholeheartedly. i have often felt compelled to remain in my silence and sit and watch and listen to all the others exchange views about everything they could possibly think. not that i didn't have any opinions nor do i think their views are superior to mine. i do sometimes wanted to explain how such a situation like a lovers' quarrel would mean to me, but i find myself unable to extricate myself from the self-imposed silence.
***
once, a friend finally implored me to say something about another friend's plight in the arena of love, which i do consider myself to have had some personal experience, whether pleasant, heartbreaking or otherwise, and when i finally spoke, they were aghast with my bluntness, with the directness of speech, without frivolities, or the sympathies that was usually accorded to the supposedly aggrieved party. whereas i was speaking only the truth as i saw it then, i fear i may have made myself look boastful or proud.
it happened at a time when i was of the opinion that petty dramas between men and women render themselves as useless lamentations that will eventually have no real conclusion, except the one true thing that both parties understood their situation from different perspectives, each according to their own circumstance and state of mind.
no one has a monopoly of the truth in a relationship. each relationship is as unique as a snowflake or a sparkle of raindrop on a leaf or a flower in a meadow. although one could find repeating patterns with which to guide you, in the end, each of us is alone in the reckoning of our decisions or indecisions.
the memory of that moment kinda reminded me of a john mayer song ("my stupid mouth").
My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
i have felt that way on some occasions with friends who seem to have more connection or in common with each other than with myself. and at times, i have neither the will not the enthusiasm to engage in the conversations wholeheartedly. i have often felt compelled to remain in my silence and sit and watch and listen to all the others exchange views about everything they could possibly think. not that i didn't have any opinions nor do i think their views are superior to mine. i do sometimes wanted to explain how such a situation like a lovers' quarrel would mean to me, but i find myself unable to extricate myself from the self-imposed silence.
***
once, a friend finally implored me to say something about another friend's plight in the arena of love, which i do consider myself to have had some personal experience, whether pleasant, heartbreaking or otherwise, and when i finally spoke, they were aghast with my bluntness, with the directness of speech, without frivolities, or the sympathies that was usually accorded to the supposedly aggrieved party. whereas i was speaking only the truth as i saw it then, i fear i may have made myself look boastful or proud.
it happened at a time when i was of the opinion that petty dramas between men and women render themselves as useless lamentations that will eventually have no real conclusion, except the one true thing that both parties understood their situation from different perspectives, each according to their own circumstance and state of mind.
no one has a monopoly of the truth in a relationship. each relationship is as unique as a snowflake or a sparkle of raindrop on a leaf or a flower in a meadow. although one could find repeating patterns with which to guide you, in the end, each of us is alone in the reckoning of our decisions or indecisions.
the memory of that moment kinda reminded me of a john mayer song ("my stupid mouth").
My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
posted by soulcraftwriter at 3:08 PM
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