On Becoming Me

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on
being perfect and beginning to work on becoming yourself."
~ Anna Quindlen, American author


Because no matter how hard you try you can never be all things to
all people. And you probably won't ever do everything equally well.
But you can discover who you are and honor that person with all
your heart...And in so doing, discover the freedom that is your
birthright.

May you always know the joy of being the person you were meant to be.- Kate Nowak

For the past years, this has been my goal. An explicit goal for myself. Finding my true self. Digging up dirt. Excavating buried dreams. Removing masks. Doing what I love. Struggling. Facing demons. Stretching my wings. Sinking. Expanding my vision. Retreating.

Like the waves, I drift in and out. Some days I feel joy. Some days I feel awful. Sometimes I smile when I see my reflection. Sometimes a stranger looks back at me. Do I know you?

Sometimes I feel confident that I am on the right path. Sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing...I feel like an idiot. A stupid, crazy, neurotic, self-obsessed person. (Gosh, I hope that's just my critic talking.)

I don't feel normal sometimes...like I'm suppossed to know these things by now...what would people think? what would my children think? (Something inside whispered, "what do you think?")

The thing is, thinking is my problem. Overthinking, that is. I've often felt that this mind of mine is both a blessing and a curse. Why do I do this to myself? Why find meaning? Why have this goal? This goal. This journey to the self. Don't you know that this is the most difficult journey of all? ("And yet, the most important one." There she goes again.)

You see what I mean. I say these things out loud. And inside me, this person...she says things...honestly, creeps me out every now and then. Those peope who hear voices - well, I'm one of them. I just wonder if those voices are just one and the same. Is it her? The real me, talking to me - the outside me. Who is me?


I want to do this right. I don't want to be reincarnated in my next life to a lower being just because I didn't get it in this life. I want to right the wrongs. Cross the Ts. Forgive. Forget. Move on. Let go.

But I also want to desperately take care of myself this year. Take a mind-break. Go to the beach and just lie there. Is it so bad? Is that giving up? Or is that letting go? "Here...I've done all I can for now...can I just take a quick nap?"

The workaholic-obsessive-compulsive me doesn't want this...she wants it to be perfect...this seemingly reachable goal...this quest for the self...Can I please kick her in the butt? GGGrrrr......AAAAArrrrrgggghhhhh!@#*^#

I want to tell her, "Hey, I'm not perfect. I'm nowhere near perfect. So get off my back for now, please. I can never be everything you ever wanted me to be. I don't want to. I just want to be who I am. I just want to be happy or sad or mad or scared. I just want to read books for the heck of it. I just want to play with my kids. I just want to take naps in the afternoons. I just want to be loved. I just want to be understood. I just want to be left alone sometimes. I want to be crazy. I want to be lazy. I want to drift. I want to fly. I want to walk. I want to let him go. Let her go. Not everyone will like me. Not everyone will love me. I just want to look in the mirror and see someone I, I like, I love, I want. PLease let me do that. PLease let me. Please let me go."