dreaming of a lighthouse

Have you ever seen a lighthouse, up close and personal?

I heard there are a few of the old lighthouses from the Spanish era along the coast of Ilocos. It would be an interesting trip to see these structures, at least for me. I don't exactly know when it started but I had a fascination for the lighthouse. I think I was pregnant then with my son, when I had a really nice dream about it. I don't remember much of the details but I do remember the lighthouse. It resembled those I saw in a website for Nantucket, USA. I think somewhere in New England (Connecticut or Maine, I really don't know exactly.) I was just drawn to it. I couldn't get it out of my mind for the next couple of days. I even asked my sister to bring me a postcard or poster of a lighthouse when she comes home from London (that December, 2001). And as if the universe was really conspiring with my thoughts, it seemed I see them everywhere.

In the restaurant (Burgoo), there were posters of lighthouses hanging in the walls! In one of my visits to a bookstore (Books for Less), I even saw an amazing book about the old-fashioned lighthouses. I would have bought it but it was just too expensive (even though the book was old and second-hand). I even bought a lighthouse-shaped candle from one of the shops at SM. I even contemplated of taking pictures of all the lighthouses in the Philippines. Talk about obsessive.

I tried to write my thoughts about it. I was wondering about the connection of the lighthouse to my present state (pregnant, i.e.). And I thought the lighthouse is there to help out the navigators/captains of ships/boats so that they won't get into trouble, right? So is it a symbol of strength? For they are imposing, figures, right? Is it a symbol of my need? A navigation system for my life? For the dream came to me at a time when I was in a transition - from being single to becoming a wife and a mom. (A friend made a comment that maybe, it has sexual connotations. Is it a phallic symbol? Could be. Honestly, I'm clueless as to its connection to sex or sexuality.)

Then, I saw this book "To the Lighthouse" by Virginia Woolf at Fully Booked in Rockwell. I grabbed and bought it impulsively and instantly. Didn't care how much it cost. At that time, I knew so little about Virginia Woolf, but I think it was no coincidence that the book I'm now in possession is the story that critics in the literary circles are calling her masterpiece. When I started reading it, I was so overwhelmed by the power of her words. Marami siyang sinasabi. Her sentences are soooo long. At first, I couldn't understand it. Then the excellent Stephen Daldry film The Hours came out, which was based on Michael Cunningham's novel. It was then that I started reading up on Virginia's life and works. And I began to understand why "To the Lighthouse" was written that way.

She wrote about everything, even the innermost thoughts of her characters (they call it stream of consciousness). Eh di ba, tayo pag may kausap, madalas meron tayong iniisip na hindi naman natin sinasabi. Pati yun sinulat ni Virginia.

Anyway, I haven't finished reading "To the Lighthouse" (have you ever felt this way about a really good book or movie, that you don't want to move forward sometimes because you don't want it to end?) But it is in my list of things to do. (And more on Virginia on my next posts.)

Well, I think the point of all this blabbering is that one subconscious thought could lead to another discovery or adventure. (Lighthouse - Batanes - Adventure; Lighthouse - Virginia Woolf - The Hours - Mrs Dalloway, etc...) You'll be amazed where your dreams may lead you!

And about the lighthouses: I still love them , but I'm not obsessing over them anymore. My dream now would be to go Ilocos or Batanes just to see one or two, just for kicks. And that would be a dream come true indeed! :)

(Note: Photo Source: www.trekearth.com)

The Reading Woman

it took a while before i finally figured out how to upload a photo for my profile (i was too shy to ask for help from my friends, add to that my fear of looking stupid, so i had to really figure things out for myself, with BloggerHelp, of course.) so here's the story behind the photo.

about a month ago, i was trying to think of a name for the bookstore i was planning to put up. initially, i wanted to establish a bookstore specifically for women - singles, mothers, grandmothers, in a relationship, married, widowed, divorced, etc.. i found myself visualizing a group of women reading together or a single woman reading by herself at a cafe, by her garden, or at her study. and i thought, that would be a nice photo subject, a woman reading. i could see her smiling sometimes, or with furrowed eyebrows, clearly engrossed in her own secret world. actually, that is how i see myself when i am reading a really good book. i do not care if other people (esp. if i'm at a cafe) find me a little weird smiling or laughing by myself. it's really none of their business. it's between me and the book.

anyway, a few weeks ago, i found myself at powerbooks greenbelt, browsing through the new book arrivals, when my eyes wandered to the novelty items section, where the calendars, stationery, journals were displayed. i started browsing through the calendars. not the chinese-type calendars we see hardware stores give away at christmas time, but those with really good photographs or painting reproductions such as Van Gogh (which i have bought two years back), Monet, or Picasso. lo and behold! i saw a calendar entitled "The Reading Woman". and true enough, it was a calendar with 12 painting reproductions with either a lone woman or a group of women - you guessed right - reading! i was surprised and delighted that my little "idea" was actually thought of way before and was indeed possible, even so many years ago. (it was another instance of serendipity and synchronicity in this corner of the universe.) the blurb said, "Over several centuries, the reading woman as painter’s subject has become a tradition unto itself. " i believe that to be true, for i think there is a certain romanticism in reading a book - the image of someone, especially a woman, engaged in such a solitary, (although, as i've mentioned, there was a painting of a group of women) somewhat intellectual, but often spiritual pursuit. for in these moments of solitude and quietness, a woman hears her soul's voice and often finds that it is also the voice of God.

...

so when my son wanted to photograph me the other day, i grabbed the opportunity to have my picture taken while reading "possession". it's not as "romantic" or "artistic" as the paintings featured in the calendar but it will do for now. i like it. it's so "me."

the inspiration

here is the original post from a blog which i have recently deleted from the face of the earth which is the inspiration for my new blog's title.

i have a weird habit of drinking coffee at night - to make me sleepy. well, at least, it worked when i drink a mocha frappuccino from starbucks. the other night, i had mocha figaro frost. i figured that maybe it is the equivalent of a starbucks mocha frap. but unfortunately, it was a lot stronger than i thought it would be. and it gave me a terrible insomnia episode. i tossed. i turned. i counted sheep. the sandman just skipped me that night. it was half-past two in the morning. my kids were sleeping soundly on the cot in my mom's living room. and then, it hit me. an idea, that is. so i scavenge for a pen and paper in my mom's things. why? well, in the past, when i get these late-night eureka moments, i sleep it off, hoping i could remember the next day what i thought off that night. but i did learn the hard way that the universe's great ideas are open to everyone and anyone who's listening and when you get that thunderbolt, that aha! moment, you just got to grab it. write it down. or it will be given to someone else.anyway, the idea was not that grand but it will be life-changing. at least, my life, that is. i had an idea for an article i would write in this magazine for mommies. i know it is not entirely an original idea but i could make it my own. put in it something that i know i do, i did and i truly believe in. my friend, heinz wrote me "to hang in there"...some days we feel lost, but there are tiny, glittering moments like the sparkle of crushed sea glass in the sand, when we feel hopeful, when we feel the invisible hand guiding us to a different path. and we feel certain that we are not lost nor alone. we are exactly where we ought to be.

"possession"

i've been reading a.s. byatt's "possession" for the past week. it is not an easy novel to read. it has long narratives about life in the nineteenth century, long epic poems, and words i have yet to understand. but for some reason, i am "possessed" to finish it, no matter what. i am intrigued by these "poets" (ash and lamotte) and how they construct their poetry. i have been wondering if they were real? if they truly existed? if the events depicted in the novel really happened?

so i looked it up on the internet. and found a.s. byatt's website. on it, she wrote an essay on how she came to write "possession." and to my delight (and not surprise), i found out that it was her - antonia susan byatt - who wrote the poems herself. she invented these poets. she created all the wonderful letters. it was her all along. and although i would have been happy to know that randolf henry ash and christabel lamotte were real, in flesh and blood, i am content to know that they are real in spirit.

i have a lot of thoughts on this book. but i am not ready yet to write them. maybe "when the winds have changed."

beginnings

i have a penchant for starting things and not following through them. so i have started a few blogs this year and have not been writing on them for so long, i have forgotten why i started the blog in the first place. blogs are such a curious thing. on one hand, it is a great place to release one's angst, thoughts, dreams and what-nots. on the other, it is scary to just let it all out in the open. for someone who values her privacy, esp. the privacy of one's thoughts, this is a big leap of faith.

hopefully, the fall's not gonna hurt too much. anybody got a net out there?